When Blame is to Blame
A story by Jaan, Peer Support Worker at The Wellness Initiative.
Years ago I was very much in the unconscious habit of constantly blaming things around me for my lack of mental and emotional wellbeing. Someone was always annoying me. There was always too much traffic on the road. Other drivers were too rude. People that I disagreed with were always too this or too that for my liking. At home. In the workplace. In my social life. I carried this mindset with me everywhere I went.
In short, my ideal world revolved around me. I had no tolerance of opinions and views that were different from my own. I was much too easily offended. If the world didn’t suit my expectations, then I was triggered to either anxiety, annoyance or anger. Sometimes it was a snowball effect of the three. And I would speak and act on those feelings too. I made sure that people around me knew I wasn’t happy. I felt strong (temporarily) for standing up for myself and lashing out.
But now I understand that there’s a difference between calmly speaking my mind and verbally regurgitating my negative emotions. One comes from a place of composure and maturity while the other comes from a place of ignorance, fear and hurt.
I found that my irrational outbursts would almost always trigger someone else to do the same. With a mindset like that it was no surprise that I often found myself in unpleasant interactions with those around me.
I blamed people and I blamed circumstances for my lack of happiness. I blamed myself for failing to improve my situation. It’s a very heavy-handed and unforgiving approach to life that feels like emotional quicksand.
I was totally oblivious to how this blame-oriented way of thinking and perceiving was directly affecting my mental health and emotional wellbeing. I couldn’t accept the world for what it is so I kept trying to mentally resist and control it.
But these days, after a few years of self-inquiry and practice, I lean towards a more solution-oriented mindset. Whether it’s with people or situations, I don’t find it helpful to assign blame as a knee-jerk reaction anymore. Occasionally I find myself slipping back into a blame-oriented mentality, but it loses charge as soon as I notice it.
Life gets difficult at the best of times so I certainly don’t want to be adding extra and unnecessary emotional baggage for myself by constantly blaming things.
Whenever I encounter someone who is still in the blame-oriented mindset, I listen attentively as best as I can. I stay mindful and choose not to speak or act on the feelings of anxiety or irritation that can often come up when dealing with incompatible personalities.
I may offer a gentle perspective of my own but if it’s met with negative emotional reactivity, then I usually just fall back to listening and accepting what’s being said. I may not agree with it, but I can still listen and validate someone’s differing opinion. I don’t feel much need to defend my own views anymore, especially if it’s going to cause a destructive interaction.
To defend is to protect ourselves against a threat of any nature, whether actual or perceived.
I used to be quite verbally defensive because deep down I felt threatened by anyone whose views contradicted my own. I always wanted to prove my point and make them understand. Even if I was getting nowhere, it felt good to argue for the sake of it because I blamed the other person for not seeing things the way I do.
But these days I find that in not being so defensive, it sometimes allows the other person to let their guard down and open up to me. At the very least, it creates an opportunity to connect with someone instead of seeing them as an enemy.
Collective change is less likely if we’re still caught in the blame game and always defending ourselves against each other. Some conflicts are unavoidable but I found that many can be with a more solution-oriented perception of the world.
After all, how can someone argue with a person who doesn’t defend themselves? It would be like trying to punch the air. No harm can be done.
Blame-orientation tends to create more division among people (and within ourselves), but solution-orientation encourages unity where possible.
There’s a difference between having a discussion to reach a solution, and an emotionally charged argument that aims to tear each other down.
There’s a difference between observing the cause of a problem, and making an emotionally charged judgment.
There’s a difference between working towards a change and trying to force change to happen.
Sometimes the solution is to speak up. Other times the wiser thing to do may be to keep quiet.
Sometimes the solution is to change our perspective or environment (or both). Other times the wiser thing to do may be to accept things as they are.
The intention behind our words and acts are what define the quality of our interactions with others and within ourselves.
Author's Note: I hereby declare that I am the sole writer of this entire article, and that no artificial intelligence was employed in the conception of the material presented.
In short, my ideal world revolved around me. I had no tolerance of opinions and views that were different from my own. I was much too easily offended. If the world didn’t suit my expectations, then I was triggered to either anxiety, annoyance or anger. Sometimes it was a snowball effect of the three. And I would speak and act on those feelings too. I made sure that people around me knew I wasn’t happy. I felt strong (temporarily) for standing up for myself and lashing out.
But now I understand that there’s a difference between calmly speaking my mind and verbally regurgitating my negative emotions. One comes from a place of composure and maturity while the other comes from a place of ignorance, fear and hurt.
I found that my irrational outbursts would almost always trigger someone else to do the same. With a mindset like that it was no surprise that I often found myself in unpleasant interactions with those around me.
I blamed people and I blamed circumstances for my lack of happiness. I blamed myself for failing to improve my situation. It’s a very heavy-handed and unforgiving approach to life that feels like emotional quicksand.
I was totally oblivious to how this blame-oriented way of thinking and perceiving was directly affecting my mental health and emotional wellbeing. I couldn’t accept the world for what it is so I kept trying to mentally resist and control it.
But these days, after a few years of self-inquiry and practice, I lean towards a more solution-oriented mindset. Whether it’s with people or situations, I don’t find it helpful to assign blame as a knee-jerk reaction anymore. Occasionally I find myself slipping back into a blame-oriented mentality, but it loses charge as soon as I notice it.
Life gets difficult at the best of times so I certainly don’t want to be adding extra and unnecessary emotional baggage for myself by constantly blaming things.
Whenever I encounter someone who is still in the blame-oriented mindset, I listen attentively as best as I can. I stay mindful and choose not to speak or act on the feelings of anxiety or irritation that can often come up when dealing with incompatible personalities.
I may offer a gentle perspective of my own but if it’s met with negative emotional reactivity, then I usually just fall back to listening and accepting what’s being said. I may not agree with it, but I can still listen and validate someone’s differing opinion. I don’t feel much need to defend my own views anymore, especially if it’s going to cause a destructive interaction.
To defend is to protect ourselves against a threat of any nature, whether actual or perceived.
I used to be quite verbally defensive because deep down I felt threatened by anyone whose views contradicted my own. I always wanted to prove my point and make them understand. Even if I was getting nowhere, it felt good to argue for the sake of it because I blamed the other person for not seeing things the way I do.
But these days I find that in not being so defensive, it sometimes allows the other person to let their guard down and open up to me. At the very least, it creates an opportunity to connect with someone instead of seeing them as an enemy.
Collective change is less likely if we’re still caught in the blame game and always defending ourselves against each other. Some conflicts are unavoidable but I found that many can be with a more solution-oriented perception of the world.
After all, how can someone argue with a person who doesn’t defend themselves? It would be like trying to punch the air. No harm can be done.
Blame-orientation tends to create more division among people (and within ourselves), but solution-orientation encourages unity where possible.
There’s a difference between having a discussion to reach a solution, and an emotionally charged argument that aims to tear each other down.
There’s a difference between observing the cause of a problem, and making an emotionally charged judgment.
There’s a difference between working towards a change and trying to force change to happen.
Sometimes the solution is to speak up. Other times the wiser thing to do may be to keep quiet.
Sometimes the solution is to change our perspective or environment (or both). Other times the wiser thing to do may be to accept things as they are.
The intention behind our words and acts are what define the quality of our interactions with others and within ourselves.
Author's Note: I hereby declare that I am the sole writer of this entire article, and that no artificial intelligence was employed in the conception of the material presented.
Did you know that Jaan is a Peer Mentor with The Wellness Initiative?