Body Image

Written by Jules L
Volunteer with The Wellness Initiative
The other day I was scrolling though Instagram when I happened to see a post by former tennis athlete Jelena Dokic. It was a long piece and I don’t usually stop scrolling for more than a few seconds to look at anything more than Kmart storage hacks and how to apply the perfect eye-liner.
 
Well, something caught my attention… At the very top of the page there were two photos side by side. The image of the left is of Jelena in her former tennis playing days and the image on the right is Jelena now.
Besides from the visible difference in her body shape, her face looked entirely unrecognisable from the Jelena I used to watch on TV back in the day.
She has a smile on her face of someone who looks genuinely happy. I was intrigued to see what she had to say so I started reading her post.
 
To say that I was covered in goosebumps with tears in my eyes after reading her post is an understatement to the emotional reaction I had to her words.
Her story, although different to mine, rang so true for me. It reflected so much of what I had thought and felt but never actually expressed.
 
Jelena describes how she endured bullying, domestic violence, physical and emotional abuse plus the terrors of being a refugee amongst a myriad of other traumas.
She is a survivor and has gone on to accomplish many incredible things since her tennis career ended.
 
However…. she then goes on to say that the most common comment she hears is “What happened to her? I can barely recognise her”, in response to her current body size and weight.
 
In describing the two side by side photo’s, Jelena describes “The one on the left is a size 4, scared to death, beaten unconscious and that bulge on my shins is from being kicked all night.
The one on the right is me at size 16, I have survived it all and I am here healing from my trauma and thriving.
I think the face in the two images says it all.
I will take the size 16 over the size 4 any day if it means I am happy.
If it means I turned to food to try and survive, then so be it.
But I am here, I am happy and most importantly I made it through.”
 
All I can say in response to reading that is ‘WOW!’
Wow for her bravery to come out and face these critics, Wow for her courage to survive against all odds. Wow for her recovery journey and Wow for the incredible, inspirational human she is.
 
Her article struck a chord with me and my own personal mental health journey.
 
When I was acutely unwell my Dr prescribed some medications that are known for having the most glorious side effects, amongst which is excessive weight gain.
I admit that he did inform me of the fact that I will most likely gain weight and at the time I was so desperate to become well again that I didn’t really care if I put on a few kilo’s. I remember saying to him that “I would rather be happy and fat, than skinny and sad”.
In truth, if I had my time again, I still would take the medication as it was a crucial element in my recovery.
 
Eating also became a coping strategy for me as it does for so many people.
When Jelena says she “turned to food to try and survive”, I thought, so did I. And so do so many other people. And it’s OK.
I landed up putting on around 35 kgs.
 
The home I was living in at the time had a bed directly opposite the en-suite bathroom. Every single morning, I would swing my legs off the bed and sit on the edge of the bed and stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. I would look at my reflection and say to myself “you should be ashamed of yourself, look at what you’ve become”. Every single morning, of every single day, without fail. It became almost like a ritual.
 
But the further along my recovery journey I moved, the more I learned to love myself.
Over time, I started looking in the mirror and seeing the face of a survivor.
I learned how to change the narrative in my head. The self-talk changed from being the most horrendous critic to finding words of love and strength and encouragement.
I used to refer to myself as a “soldier” because I was marching through my recovery with the courage and bravery of real soldier.
 
I stopped worrying so much about what other people thought. I was so genuinely proud of myself and it showed. The more I fell in love with the inside me, the more it showed on the outside.
 
In 2019 I had to have back surgery for a prolapsed disk. I was told that the amount of weight that I was carrying was taking its toll on me physically. It hurt to get out of bed, to stand, to exercise.  
I tried and failed at losing weight naturally and in 2021 I decided to have weight loss surgery.
 
I was pushing 110 kg’s and the decision to have surgery was not taken lightly.
The beautiful thing about it all was that the decision to have the surgery was for my physical health and not for how I wanted others to see me.
 
I recall the surgeon commenting that I will notice a great improvement in self-confidence and I had a little internal chuckle, as over the past 8 or so years, I had developed so much self-love that a lack of confidence was the least of my issues!
 
After the surgery, I lost the 35 kgs that I had put on. It was an interesting time for me because a lot of people saw my weight loss as a sign of my improved mental health, when in fact that was not the case at all.
I felt compelled to be open and honest and tell anyone who complimented me on my weight loss that it was because I had had the surgery.
I guess in reality, I don’t want to convey and perpetuate a false idea that everyone can lose weight through diet and exercise alone.
As cliched as it sounds, it doesn’t matter what size I am now. I was happy as a size 20 and I’m happy as a size 12. I loved myself then and I love myself now.
 
At the end of the day, I am a survivor too and my face today is a reflection of that.
Perhaps what stopped me scrolling on Instagram was the familiar smile I saw on Jelena’s face.
 
I smile different too 😊

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